Santa, here are a few last-minute wishes

OK, Santa, let’s see if I know where you’re coming from: Christmas is Sunday and by now you’ve made your list and checked it twice, and you’ve got it down pat who’s naughty and who’s nice. That’s the way it works, right? Well, I know you’re busy, but I have a few more names that are an absolute must for your list-all from the sports world. Yes, some of them naughty, some of them nice.

I know, I know, you’re already up to your beard with last-minute wishes. Sure, you may have to leave a little early Saturday night to get it all done. So put in for overtime, ‘cause these are important. OK, jolly ol’ elf, see what you can do for us. Here are my wishes for:

• Joe Paterno, another national championship before he has to turn to an assistant coach at the end of a game and say, “What’s that? It’s over? Well, how’d we do?”

• ESPN, for the sake of everyone else, the desire to end the USC lovefest. This incessant bootlicking and drivel about USC being the best team ever is enough to make me upchuck my Christmas turkey.

• Tom Benson, another football team in another state; and for the city of New Orleans, an owner who thinks like a saint -- that is, someone who realizes how special the Crescent City really is and cares about the people there.

• The New Orleans Saints, a lesson in character, determination and strength. Actually, Santa the residents of the Gulf Coast have already proven experts on these topics. I'll just ask you to give the Saints a clue.

• NCAA basketball, another Pistol Pete Maravich. Not even Michael Jordan was as much fun to watch.

• NASCAR, the good sense to revise its schedule so the stock car season ends with the biggest race instead of starting with it. Not even you, Santa, can fathom the NFL season opening with the Super Bowl.

• The NHL and the NBA, the wherewithal to pass a rule that forbids any team with a losing record from participating in the playoffs.

• Someone-anyone-to put boxing in the same category as cock fighting and ban it forever. You’ll have to admit, Saint Nick, boxing is the second-dumbest thing human beings do-two people beating on each other. By the way, war is No. 1.

• The city of Los Angeles, an NFL team. But first, Santa, you may want to remind them that the Rams aren’t there anymore.

• The LPGA, how about the greatest year in the history of women’s golf? The cast of characters is unmatched in LPGA history, with Annika, Paula, Christie, Natalie, Morgan, et al.

• Barry Bonds, a 185-pound body and 20 home runs in 2006. Oh, and don’t forget the asterisk by his name when he passes Babe Ruth.

• Me, the good sense to put $2 on every 50-1 shot in the Kentucky Derby, Preakness or Belmont Stakes, just in case. I learned my lesson at the Derby last May.

• David Duval, the PGA Tour Comeback of the Year award. He deserves a great season and the recognition that comes with it after the class he has shown during his “slump.” He could’ve disappeared, hidden from the media and so on, but did none of that.

• Green Bay Packers, one more Super Bowl while Brett Favre is their quarterback. The Packers are 3-11 after Monday’s sad 48-3 loss to Baltimore and somewhere Vince Lombardi is throwing a temper tantrum.

• The NCAA and its members, the courage and honesty to admit that college sports is all about making money. Then, allow every college in the country to allow their athletes to pursue degrees in football, basketball, or whatever sport they play.

• Terrell Owens, eternal lyryngitis

• The rest of us, never have to hear the initials "T" and "O" in the same sentence unless they are uttered by Dick Vitale

• Tiger Woods, two or three more major championships and the self-control to omit the four-letter words from his poor-shot vocabulary.

• The Chicago Cubs, World Series rings. The Red Sox finally got theirs in 2004 and the White Sox this year. Now it’s the Cubbies’ turn. C’mon, Santa, you can do it!

My list could go on and on, Santa, but you already have a long, cold night ahead of you. However, if you can find the time and resources, you might throw in some stocking stuffers, such as a better golf swing for me; love, peace, health, happiness and prosperity to all my relatives and dear friends-in fact, for the whole world.